At some point during the last week this became less of a date on my calendar and more of something trying to demand my attention. Whether I allow it to have my attention is mostly up to me but there have been a few moments where the ‘what if’ has taken hold. I have children after all. I worry for them. I try not to sit still long enough for my mind to even enter this rabbit hole. Sometimes I accidentally come across an article or podcast and get pieces of information or statistics that I have no business seeing or hearing so I have to be careful. Sometimes I watch a new movie or show on Netflix and have to stop because it hits far too close to home. Also, I know after I rescan, my results will be posted probably that evening or the next day. So my mind is already trying to decide how best to retrieve the results. Wait the 48 hours until I am in the oncologist’s office, have Dr. Krissy log in and read them to us, or read them myself. 🤷♀️ (cross that bridge when we get there).
For the most part of this last month I’ve been busy living. Things seem a bit sweeter than before. I certainly don’t sweat any of the small stuff too much. My hair comes out now like never before. I wasn’t prepared for that but I have a ton of hair so this is more of an annoyance than a worry. We’ve gone on vacation, gone camping, gone swimming, been on a boat, gone fishing etc. I have worked out, I’ve run, I’ve walked, I’ve gone back to eating my normal diet again, I read a book, and I’m sleeping! Still, I ask if this is my new normal. I am not what I was before. Certainly my body is not the same. I’m still healing. I fill silence with new information and movement. I don’t want to sit still. But some days I have to nap because I’m so exhausted. In lots of ways things are back to how they used to be. One day I had a grouchy teenager and I couldn’t stop thinking ‘I am so grateful I am here to be with this grouchy teen!’ I’m grateful that teen isn’t having to take care of their mom or watch her suffer. It’s almost like they forgot it all happened and there’s no lasting stress!
I’ve pretty well integrated back into social situations as well. This was not easy. Wondering if people would ask questions etc. Me wondering how to answer. How specific to be. Me wondering if it’s appropriate to discuss HPV and ask people if they are vaccinated or if their kids are vaccinated. Will I become the HPV lady. 🤣
Anywho, thought I’d give up my thoughts and worries to the tribe as I enter this week- grateful to have y’all.