6/17/21 Fissure (n.) a pain in the…

Long overdue update! I worked out, I went camping, I was feeling slow but good and then a new pain started. A trip back to the colorectal doc revealed the culprit. A fissure. If you don’t know what a fissure is, count your lucky stars! Grip the wall, grit your teeth, let the tears fall, lots of deep breathing, and pain! An anal tear. I knew it was a possibility with tender radiated skin. So a new med and lots of weeks of time should hopefully do the trick. Otherwise there’s Botox injections or a surgical procedure, neither things that I want.

A visit to the lab and oncology yesterday revealed normal labs! This means nothing else sinister is occurring after treatment and my immune system is stabilizing. All good things! I am about 1 month away from the rescans. (Then my port can come out yippee!)

While listening to the oncologist explain what we are looking for in the blood work she said ‘When you have cancer…’ a simple start to her sentence but my brain did a double take. ‘Me? Is she referring to me?’ I am still in disbelief to some degree. Did that all just happen? Is cancer part of my name now? Like a felony charge that follows me for the remainder of my life. Thanks to morphine and oxy my memory is now very spotty. At the time when I was neck deep in treatment it was very vivid but now I have to really try to remember. A good protective measure for sure and I am grateful. I am grateful for this blog along the way because otherwise I would have forgotten a lot. The people especially. The rad onc receptionist always remembering my name! The conversations with the radiation therapists and the nurses and my wondering if they would be okay after seeing the horrifying effects treatment was doing to my body. As a general life rule I try not to look backwards, it’s not the direction I want to head, but every few days we do reminisce on how bad it was in order to see clearly how good it is! ‘Remember when I slept all day’ ‘Remember when I would hold myself up in the car on my arms so I didn’t have to actually sit and endure the 8 mile ride to treatment’ ‘Remember when I couldn’t walk further than just to get into the car’ ‘Remember when I couldn’t sleep after treatment was finished!’ I think sometimes looking back into the rear view mirror is essential to see the progress we’ve really made. I’m grateful for a gentle reintegration back into social gatherings and functions. I’m grateful for bravery. I’m grateful for opportunities to speak openly about HPV related preventable cancers!

Published by mhaensgen

Welcome to my tribe. I was diagnosed with anal cancer 2/23/21, then found out it was caused by HPV. This is the journey.

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