Day 50 ~ getting better

Farrah & Megan~same fight, different story but I still carry her with me. She would want to spread the message too.

Healing. Getting better. Improving. Small increments. Forward moving. Headed in the right direction. Finally, when I look backwards I can identify when it was ‘the worst’. This is powerful because I can clearly identify that this time period is in the past and behind me. This was around a week and half- two weeks ago. It was unbearable and I was starting to pull inward to cope on my own. I was feeling isolated and scared and stuck and like things were never going to improve. I guess until you are deep in it you don’t know how exactly you will cope. My graphic visualization protective armor fell to the floor and couldn’t protect my broken body. It did a great job fighting with me during radiation but now my broken damaged hurting body needed healing. Not armor. So I let the armor fall from me. Drop to the floor and stay in the corner. No longer needed. But what armor was needed to heal? I was lost and confused and ill prepared for this part of the journey. Or was I? Did I already have everything I needed and hadn’t seen it? Was it here? Tucked neatly every day in the warrior’s home. The people she sees everyday. The ones who come home and seek out her location (usually finding her in bed) to put their eyes and hands on her. To check her. To love her. To offer her peace. To distract her. To listen to her apologies for being ‘this way right now’. To take turns crawling in that bed next to her most evenings. They take turns telling their stories from their day. Bringing her tidbits of food so she can improve. Driving her to the appointments because she can no longer drive herself… loving her. Unconditionally. Let that sink in. Deep. Loving without condition. The way she has loved them. The way she has cared for them. This armor of hers. This family of hers.

The factual update… labs are virtually back to normal after Nuetropenic fever. The culprit may have been a bladder infection but maybe not. Antibiotics to be sure. All those labs dipping low was scary how fast things can change. They can change for the better just as quickly I suppose. I saw oncology and radiation today and will continue skin care most of this week. Still have a few trouble spots that need attention. Will see oncology again in 2 weeks and will check labs again in a week. At some point the colorectal surgeon will want to see me again and there will be talk about rescans and scopes and things. Seems important. To visually be able to see progress internally. But it’s weeks away. I can wean back on pain meds but not completely until there is significant healing where the tumor and bulk of the radiation treatment was the most concentrated. Weeks probably. Patience.

Published by mhaensgen

Welcome to my tribe. I was diagnosed with anal cancer 2/23/21, then found out it was caused by HPV. This is the journey.

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