Day 25 (skipped 24)

Some days I just don’t feel like writing 🤷‍♀️ Some days I just don’t feel like there’s an update. Some days feel like the day before. Repetitive. Long. The days feel like a series of very long drawn out minutes. I do a great deal of resting. I do a great deal of skin management. Basic events like going to the bathroom have become excruciating. Very short in duration but still, excruciating, the only word I can use to describe these normal basic human events. I struggle with how honest to be publicly here but ultimately my dignity needs to stay intact. I’m not opposed to sharing but maybe in a less public fashion 🤷‍♀️ The radiation wing feels like a ghost town lately. Minimal interaction. Perhaps that’s good news. Or my lunch time appointments are the least popular. The 6mins in the machine grows long. The warrior still suits up and shows up but I’ve traded my weapon. My large sword is now more of a small battle ax. Sometimes 2. 1 for each hand. I make quick precise work with them but I work on a smaller scale. My tumor, I’m told, is so small now- ‘melting away’. Everyone is so impressed with this. I ask really slick one day under the radar so as not to make a big ordeal of such a heavy question ‘Will I be normal again… after this?’ The response comes quickly and reassuring ‘Yes’. I can imagine what ‘normal’ looks like in the future. I know I have intentions. I want to feel good. I will feel good. I will build muscle back up again and stamina will allow me to get up and move and not need a break. All my energy is put to good use. Rest. Regenerate. Recuperate. Rid bad cells and build up the healthy ones. This week was really the first week I felt the gravity of my situation. The pain made it real. When I touch my hair more falls out than is normal. Not a lot but more than usual. I still don’t look sick. But I don’t feel well. I feel like I have not embraced this title for myself. The ‘C’ word. I have refused to wear it. Denounced it. Does that make me a traitor? If I refuse membership into this horrifying club? That sounds a good deal like denial but I’m here every day living to be cancer free. To be on the other side of all this. Soon… very soon tribe.

My daily view from ‘skin care’

Published by mhaensgen

Welcome to my tribe. I was diagnosed with anal cancer 2/23/21, then found out it was caused by HPV. This is the journey.

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