Day 8 late- grateful & guilty

I forgot to hit post last night.! Grateful & Guilty are 2 feelings that are with me everyday. I walk into lab appointments and it’s a packed waiting room. I look around. Naturally I’m curious. What do cancer patients look like I wonder? Hey megan, check yourself, you are one too sweetie. But I don’t look sick I think to myself. So the guilt creeps in deep. I feel like I want to, need to, walk around and touch every single person. Tell them hello. Tell them they are strong and I love them. I do. I love us. My love is big and I want to spread it around. My tumor shrinks at the same time I feel my heart has grown. It’s covid time and we are all in some state of immunosuppression so I stop myself from going around and touching them but I smile big behind my mask at anyone who connects eyes with me. I wonder what their stories are. I wonder what cancer they got. I wonder how sick they feel. I am grateful to not be alone. I am sad to not be alone. I want to walk in all boss like with my lion’s mane hair, because it’s part of my armor, but will anyone be upset that I potentially get to keep all my hair. I feel guilty. Disclaimer- I’m totally ok if my hair goes. It’s hair. It grows back. But I am aware this is likely an upsetting part of the journey when it comes out because it’s a visual representation of who we are. I am grateful to be in the presence of all these other warriors. I soak up strength and pass it along.

Also so grateful for the staff. These angels. They make my journey easy. More comfortable. Radiation tech knew something was up yesterday and asked ‘you ok megan? You overwhelmed?’ Girl knows me well. In the beginning I got overwhelmed Easily at all the new stuff. And there was new stuff daily. So I’m grateful for the same staff every day. Im grateful for the music these women blast for me during radiation! Grateful & Guilty

Published by mhaensgen

Welcome to my tribe. I was diagnosed with anal cancer 2/23/21, then found out it was caused by HPV. This is the journey.

2 thoughts on “Day 8 late- grateful & guilty

  1. You’re such a remarkable woman and I’m so very grateful to know you as I read your daily journey, I think to myself “I want to be like her” you’re positivity is contagious. You’re going through something so incredibly scary and difficult. But yet, you lift everyone following your journey up and make us look at our lives differently, I find myself being more grateful and more patient with people around me. You are truly a blessing to all who know you and I hope people who don’t know you get a chance to read your journal one day. Love you 💕

    Liked by 1 person

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